Why do I go into details about the challenges I face here in New Zealand and publish them for people to see?
Am I not afraid of busybodies, judgment, uninvited opinions, and exposing my weaknesses?
Or, is this an attempt to gain sympathy, attention?
For instance, when I shared about how I got rejected again and again from my job applications, I had people who showered me with encouragement (that I really valued), and also people sending me messages telling me that I have not done enough. In a way, I placed myself in a position for people to judge.
EVEN SO, I am someone, who values TRANSPARENCY.
When I share about my joys, despairs, unemployment statuses etc, I was not with any intention of creating a sob story. In fact, I simply want to be transparent.
I don't need people to make assumptions and play guessing games, wondering what am I up to or thinking that I am having a blast.
And you could say, "why worry about what others think?"
My answer is, "I am not concerned with what OTHERS think. But because I have always been transparent about my circumstances with my loved ones, especially my parents and my partner, I know it gives them reassurance and peace."
If not for transparency, my parents would not have given Alex and I their blessings throughout our long-distance relationship that was filled with all sorts of challenges.
If not for transparency, Alex and I would not have accepted each other whole-heartedly, and embark on this difficult yet fulfilling journey together.
If not for transparency, my parents would not have agreed to let me follow Alex to New Zealand, without any assurance of stable financial security.
If not for transparency, my family would not have partner with us in prayer, everyday, praying over our needs and circumstances.
If not for transparency, my family would not be able to answer on my behalf to many 'concerned' people.
Yes, so I put out my side of the story. I share the real picture, in hope that it will shed some light to those in similar situations or who naively think that all is good at this side of the world. And if people continue to make their own speculations about me, I am fine with it.
You read my story, you have your own interpretation, and that's your right. At least, to me, I was being honest with myself, my family, my friends. And even as I recount the obstacles, I find peace from God, and I just want to glorify His name.
At the looks of things, I most probably will have to go back to Malaysia to teach in March.
This is a real bittersweet decision for me.
Personally, I have a big heart for education in Malaysia - it is my home, my people. And I know that I will be going back to familiar faces, and good colleagues, despite all the lack of facilities and life's comfort in Gua Musang. But my heart has this sour grip, when I think of leaving my husband behind. Even though we had survived the past five years of LDR, it really does not make it any easier, not after you have tasted life together.
And my dad really knows how to choke me up.
Recalling a recent conversation we had (my parents have been calling me EVERYDAY via Viber lol):
Dad: Girl, people are going to label you as a failure when you come back to Malaysia. They are going to ask questions about why you can't find work there and make comments without knowing your situation. I just want you to know that we don't think of you as a failure. We love you. And we have been submitting everything to God so we just continue to live in obedience and faith. And, do you need me to assemble a team of 'kompang' to welcome you back?
I am really blessed with great parents.
Regardless of what happens, I am grateful to God for the past 2 months of being here in Auckland with my husband.
Together, we overcame some huge financial hurdles.
Together, we learn how to live together lol. (still learning..)
Together, we attended church and got ourselves involved in different ministries.
Together, we pray, every single night.
Together, we fight, we make up, we learn, we compromise.
Together, we have really really fun times.
Together, we are just a great team.
With possibly 2-3 weeks left here, I am going to
- enjoy my 'tai tai life' (seriously I AM SO NOT HOUSEWIFE MATERIAL lol)
- leech onto my husband as much as I can
- continue to serve in the free English classes and make new friendships (I now have sooooooooo many new friends from China, who can be my grandparents lol. Then again, I do know how to charm the elders hahahaha)
- cook as much as I can.
- stock up on my favourite coffee and goodies to bring back home.
- be the best fan and supporter for my husband
I hope my coming back, will be welcomed.
Thank you for everything. I praise You when times are good. And I will continue to praise You when times are bad. Open up my eyes, to see the unseen, and my ears, to hear Your words. And grant us wisdom, in every step that we take.