The title of my entry perfectly sums up my all-time feeling.
Maybe it is because I am the eldest in my family, have been brought up with certain expectations and instilled strong sense of responsibility;
Maybe it is pride;
Maybe it is the fear of being useless or unproductive...
I would always have that nagging feeling inside, of needing to be needed.
It doesn't help when my husband is really independent and capable of household duties.
It sure doesn't help that I was unable to contribute financially to the household bills.
And it definitely wears me out that I was unable to share the emotional stress and pressure that Alex has to go through except for praying for him and supporting him in the little ways that I could...
The funny thing was, I used to think that maybe I love Alex more than he loves me. I mean, I was willing to endure the challenges, took an unpaid leave, and followed him all the way without actual reassurance of financial stability or comfort.
But after experiencing and knowing what he has to go through, just to be with me; without the support from the ones that matter to him.. or how much pride he had to suck in and bury, and all the pressure he places on himself to give me a good life...... I just feel so overwhelmed, with thankfulness for him.
When I started to really find my place in this new land, when my service was actually needed, I had to leave.
I love going to those free English classes and bible studies on Friday and Saturday, because I knew I was really helping those new and old migrants to learn English. And after an impromptu request of me to help translate and interpret the testimony of Eric (from China) who had just been baptised, I began to receive more requests for translation in other occasions :) And to be recognised and told that I was an asset to this new church and they are sorry to see me leave, gave me a sense of pride and joy - that I was needed after all.
It is so easy to feel insecure of your own worth. Though I know that Christ makes me whole, my human self made me doubt myself at times. Being rejected even from minimum wage jobs added to those self-doubts too. Thankfully, I know Christ will continue to watch over us, I have an amazingly supportive husband who is ready and willing to go through all odds with me, and my parents whom I can always count on - to feel like their little girl again.
On a side note,
I am preparing myself mentally as well as resourcefully to rejoin the teaching force in Malaysia.
If you have any great teaching ideas, songs, links or any related stuff, please share with me. I will be really grateful for that :)